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Dear Prudence
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Bewildered in Boston
I am currently pregnant with my first. I have two stepkids who are 8 and 6. My husband was a teen father who did his best and tried to make the relationship with his ex work but she walked out when the youngest was just three weeks old. My in-laws took custody of both kids and are the primary caregivers. We live on the same property and see the kids every day. We pay an equal portion of the bills. I usually get along with my mother-in-law, but she has been weirdly hostile since we announced we were expecting.
She brings up the births of the other kids all the time. My husband and I can’t express any excitement without her raining on our parade and reminding us about the other children. She spoils the kids to excess. My co-workers threw me a baby shower, and my mother-in-law was supposed to bring the cake. Instead, she showed up with both kids, had a bag of gifts for them, and let them blow out a candle on the cake like it was a birthday. All of my co-workers commented on how strange that was. My mother-in-law denied it and scolded me for being upset!
My husband tells me that my feelings are valid but that we have to think about his kids first. This leaves me wondering about how our baby fits into the picture then. I am lonely. My family lives far away, and they plan to visit for the birth but my day-to-day support comes from my in-laws. My mother-in-law and I had a huge fight when I expressed relief that my company was willing to let us move to a part-time position so that we could keep our insurance and that several of my co-workers have expressed interest in a shared childcare arrangement. My mother-in-law was offended I wasn’t going to leave the baby with her. She went back to work two years ago and has talked about how she missed it. I feel like I am not allowed to feel any joy here. What should I do?
If I had to guess, I’d say your mother-in-law loves her grandchildren very much and is worried that your new baby will mean they’re pushed aside—or even that she herself will be pushed aside if she’s not asked to be the primary babysitter. In some ways (assuming she enjoys caring for kids she didn’t necessarily plan to raise), she has it pretty good right now. She’s close to the two kids, she lives on the same property as her son, and she plays an important role in everyone’s day-to-day life. Maybe the announcement of the new addition threatens to shake all that up a bit.
Again, I’m just guessing. And I know you already had a huge fight over the childcare situation, which might make it hard to reach back out to her. But for the sake of having a sense of peace before you give birth, it might be worth initiating a heart-to-heart in which you say something like, “I’m sorry things got heated in our conversation about child care. Please know that I made that choice because I was under the impression that you enjoyed being back in the workforce, not to try to cut you out. You’re so loving to the older kids and I can’t wait for the new baby to get to know you. I’ve been thinking about how it’s going to be a huge change for the whole family and I’m wondering if anything is worrying you that we should talk about, or any way I can work with you to help the older siblings feel included. I’d love to put things in place to make sure everyone feels good and I’d also like to be able to express excitement about being a new mom and feel like I have your support.”
This might be disarming. It’s possible your MIL just needs to feel heard, and to be reassured that her (considerable!) efforts are appreciated and that she isn’t being left behind. I hope that’s the case. It’s also possible that she’s simply an impossible, self-absorbed person with a bad personality. If that’s the case, you can rest easy knowing that you tried your best. Then tell your husband how important it is that he does whatever it takes to protect you from her antics during this emotionally vulnerable time.
Classic Prudie
- My husband and I divided labor unfairly and super stressfully after our baby daughter was born, and I couldn’t get through to him. In February, when she was 4 months old, I reached a breaking point. Overwhelmed, I made myself a list of all the things I do to keep the family running and highlighted the things I could live without. As politely as possible, I told my husband if he was interested in them they could be his responsibility...