My wife and I have 3 daughters (19, 24, & 28). Our youngest, Jill, just started community college this year while our 2 oldest have moved away to start their careers. Jill still lives with my wife and I as she is attending college locally and this saves her money. This past weekend we were invited to my niece's (and goddaughter) wedding a couple hours away.
The dress code was semi-formal so men were expected to wear suits and women in dresses. As we were getting ready to leave, Jill was taking her sweet time getting ready and I was kind of nagging at her to get going. She had been out late the night before with friends and I'm sure she was feeling the effects of that.
When she was finally ready to go, she was wearing some kind of black, spaghetti strap halter-top thing with leggings. I told her that was not an appropriate outfit for her cousin's wedding and that she needs to change into something else.
She told me she doesn't have anything else to wear and that I don't get to police what she's wearing. I told her that judging by the amount of dirty clothes on her floor and in her closet, she clearly has other options, she just didn't plan ahead enough to figure something out. I told her it was disrespectful to her cousin, the bride, to wear something to revealing and tacky to their wedding.
Jill called me a jerk and said no one is going to care what she's wearing and if people focus on her clothes more than the bride, that's their problem, not hers. I told her in that case, how she is getting to the wedding is her problem, not mine.
She asked what that meant and I told her that if that's what she wants to wear, she is going to have to find her own way to the wedding because I am not going to arrive with my daughter looking like she is about to hit a club at 2am instead of attend her cousin's wedding.
My wife chimed in at this point and told us both to calm down. She told me I was being over-bearing, but also told Jill that she did not agree with her choice of attire either and reminded her this is a semi-formal event. She told Jill she would help her find a different option that would be better suited for this.
Jill scoffed at that and went to her room and closed the door. I went and knocked and told her she has 15-minutes to be ready or we are leaving without her. She yelled at me that I was being an asshole so I went outside to wait and after 20 minutes I went inside and Jill was still in her room. I told my wife that I am leaving and she can either come with me now, or her and Jill can figure out their own plans.
My wife asked what Jill is supposed to do and I said she can take an Uber for all I care at this point. My wife reluctantly left with me and I could tell she felt guilty about the whole thing. Jill ended up not coming to the wedding and both her and my wife blame me for it. I don't think I was the a$$hole here though.
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
[deleted] said:
NTA. You're exactly right: leggings and a halter top are not appropriate to wear at a wedding that is set to semiformal attire. It shows disrespect to the bride, and its embarrassing for you as well.
The people saying that you have no right to say "I'm not taking you unless you change" have a double standard. They want to say that Jill is an adult and can wear what she wants/make her own choices, but they still don't believe that Jill should face the consequence of her own choices, and also take on that adult responsibility of having to figure out how to get to an event.
[deleted] said:
NTA. I know that a lot of people will start going on about what a woman wears, but this is about not being up to the dress code. And while your daughter had the right to wear what she wanted, You also had the right not to be associated with her decisions on what she wanted to wear.
You disagreed with her apparel and as such you weren't going to help her be disrespectful to her cousin by not going with the dress code. I put this in a similar category as if your daughter had decided to wear a white dress to the wedding.
Yeah there's no law preventing it but that doesn't mean you have to assist in her decisions. And if she's big enough to decide what she wants to wear she's big enough to call an Uber.
NTA. When did people forget that there are types of clothing that is inappropriate to wear in certain places/events? You aren't "policing what she wears" in this situation. If you can't dress appropriately, then don't go.
Listen, I am an out and proud feminist, and I will always rail against people policing and picking apart the type of clothing that women choose to wear. That being said, a person hosting a private event has every right to adopt a dress code, and if you don’t want to listen to that dress code, then you don’t have to go to the event.
It is disrespectful to show up dressed inappropriately. You absolutely did the right thing -NTA. Although your daughter may not appreciate it at the moment, you saved her from looking like an idiot and embarrassing herself.
When asked if there will be repercussions for Jill's behavior, OP responded:
Oh, there will be repercussions. I intend on having a conversation with my wife regarding conditions on Jill continuing to stay with us. There will be further changes and consequences for Jill's actions.
Sources: Reddit