"AITA for banning my bio dad from graduation?"
I (18M) am graduating next week. Graduates are allowed to bring 3 guests so I’m bringing my mom, dad, and my bf. My sister is also graduating and she’s bringing her two friends from camp.
My bio dad Ted found out about the graduation and asked me for a ticket for him and his wife. I told Ted that there were no tickets. He found out about the extra ticket and he called me and begged to come to his only kid’s graduation. I refused and said I wouldn’t find another ticket for his wife either. I told him he was not my dad and if he tried to come to my graduation I’d get him kicked out.
I don’t think of Ted as my dad. My dad (technically my stepdad) Jason is my dad. When my mom was pregnant with me, Ted got his dream job in a different state across the country and told my mom he had to take it. My mom couldn’t come. He left us anyways and she gave birth alone. A few months later he asked her for a divorce because he found someone else.
When I was in pre-K I met Madison and we became best friends. Her mom had left her as a baby too. Long story short my mom fell in love with her dad and they got married when we were 7. As far as I’m concerned they’re my real family and Ted’s a stranger who shares my DNA.
Now Ted’s family is blowing up my phone calling me spoiled and my mom a parental alienation and said I was being disrespectful to Ted. His wife called and I told her to f off too. AITA?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
svifted wrote:
NTA. It’s a day about your achievement. If you do not feel he helped you get there that says a lot about his parenting. If you used your three tickets he is certainly not entitled to your sister's tickets.
OP responded:
I could ask my high school for more tickets but I didn’t want to.
000-Hotarue-Tomue wrote:
NTA. I see no "parental alienation" here. I see an absent dad who chose his dreams over his father's responsibility, and now has to live with the consequences of his choice. You reap what you sow, after all. Congrats ♥ on your graduation, enjoy the day with your real family.
Emotional_Fan_7011 wrote:
NTA. He is just a sperm donor. If he loved and cared for your mom, he wouldn't have left, and he certainly wouldn't have "met someone else" while on the other side of the country, knowing his wife was alone with his baby.
It also doesn't sound like he ever reached out much to have a relationship with you. So, honestly, what does he expect? Some states do adult adoptions. If your state does, you could always ask Jason to adopt you, now that you don't need your sperm donor to agree to sign over his rights.
OP responded:
My dad adopted me after they got married. Ted signed over his rights pretty quickly. He says it’s because he wanted to make me happy as a kid but I think it’s because he didn’t know his wife was infertile yet. My mom adopted Madison.
Free_Ad_7708 wrote:
NTA I wouldn't use the term bio dad, as that implies a certain degree of relations. A better term to use would be biological donor, as that makes the nature of your relationship clear to anyone who hears it.
OP responded:
Good idea lmao. I wanted to call him a sperm donor but they actually are helping people have babies so it’s not fair to them.
Superb_Space7318 wrote:
NTA.
First, I am so sorry that you have to deal with that as I can only imagine the feelings it brings up having to talk with them and defend your decision.
Ted is a major AH for assuming that he would be welcome and even more so for asking if his new wife can come. He decided a job was more important to him than to be a part of your life a long time ago. He made his bed and needs to lay in it. Block their numbers and enjoy your graduation with the people who put YOU first.
A month later, OP's bio dad Ted, made a post about the situation.
I (48M) do not have a great relationship with my ex-wife (42F) though I do my best to keep it courteous for our son's (18M) sake. They have done everything to alienate me from my own child and have succeeded, with their wealth and connections, to the point where I had no recourse in the courts.
My son would say several hurtful things that his mother clearly coached him to say on the rare occasions I got to speak with him. He had a belated graduation party with his stepsister (also 18) this past weekend and when I arrived, my ex-wife and her husband (37M) tried to make me feel unwelcome, though several members of my side of the family were there.
I wasn't allowed near my son at all, not even for a single photo, and did not get to speak with him. It seemed her entire family coordinated an effort to keep me away from my son the entire time. At this party, my ex-wife was wearing a very inappropriate dress. Her entire bare back was exposed.
I noticed that her husband was often caressing her lower back quite intimately. I felt disgusted that they were doing this at my son's graduation party. He kissed her several times as well throughout the night. When I was finally fed up, I walked over to them and firmly told them to stop with the PDA.
It was our son's special moment and their behavior was attention seeking and disrespectful. My ex-wife threatened to kick me out, I told her it was not her place, and her husband said "I'm his father not you" and stood up as if to start a physical altercation.
My son saw what was happening and came over. He told at me to leave to keep the peace. I left without any fuss. Now, my sister (my son's aunt) said I completely embarrassed her and our other family members at the party. My family is split. My mother, however, is on my side.
The internet did not hold back.
[deleted] wrote:
ESH. The second bit makes me doubt the first, but if true, it wasn’t cool to keep you out of the pictures IF that’s what your son wanted. That said, backless dresses are fine and you’re not the PDA police. Again, it’s telling that your verbal objection was to their relationship, not being excluded from the celebration. Examine your priorities.
Ted responded:
I never got to speak with my son before the illustrious end of the party. I don’t know if he said nothing about me not being in any of the pictures. I have nothing against their relationships. I have a girlfriend of my own.
Solid_Quote9133 wrote:
YTA she wasn't doing anything inappropriate and the kid is 18, I doubt he is being coached
Ted responded:
He has spent his entire life being coached by his son’s mother and the husband.
royalTiefling wrote:
Info: what are the missing missing reasons? You come out a little too squeaky clean in this side of things, yet you so cavalierly admit to such lowbrow sexism. Tell us what you filtered out to try and save face, I'm sure it'll help in giving the best answer possible.
Ted responded:
I am not a sexist. For example, I have championed many women throughout my career and they have all spoken highly of me. I have done nothing wrong to deserve this vitriol.
QuackLikeMe wrote:
YTA. From your title I expected them to be dry humping. Instead, you’re pissy because her bare back was showing? God forbid! She should be stoned for dressing so immodestly!
Seriously, the way you talk, I can see why your ex has tried to keep your toxic views away from her kids. You can’t accuse them of being “attention seeking” and “disrespectful” when you are the one who started trouble, and had to have your own son ask you to leave.
Laurrielyn wrote:
YTA...sorry. It's their home. After reading what horrible people they are and all the horrible things they've done to you I'm surprised you were even invited. Were you invited or did you hear about it from others and just show up?
Ted responded:
It was an open invitation posted to Facebook.
Street-Suitable wrote:
YTA and clearly pretending that you've done no wrong. I doubt he was coached into what to say. He meant it because he saw you were a controlling person and doesn't like it. She cut you out and didn't want you near your son because you are toxic.
OP responded:
He has been coached his entire life. I am far from controlling. I just wanted my son to have a happy graduation party.
Brain_of_Fog wrote:
"My ex-wife’s husband is particularly adept at this. I have no doubt he was stroking her back for that reason." I was kinda on the fence until I read this. I don't think he was thinking about you at all when he was with his wife.
I think you have regrets and aren't facing them. Instead you are playing the blame game. My dad did that too.First he blamed my mom, then he blamed us kids for not trying harder to keep him in our life. He died earlier this year. He took the crap right to the grave and never repaired his relationship with any of his kids.
OP responded:
Frankly her husband does things to deliberately infuriate me. He has quite literally grabbed her in front of me, rubbed her bare shoulders, made a joke about eating her out, rubbed her thighs, and more. I definitely think he could do this to put themselves and their nauseating “love” in the spotlight.
A few days later, OP made a follow-up post, acknowledging Ted's post.
I figured out my bio dad posted on AITA and now I know how he sees me and the world…and it’s exactly as moronic, self pitying, and narcissistic as I expected him to be. If it wasn’t my actual bio dad “Ted” I’d have thought it was a troll. Ted literally thinks my mom and my dad conspired to keep me away from him for 18 years.
Ever wonder why I don’t wanna be around you? Maybe it’s because I don’t want to be near an AH who abandoned his pregnant wife for a BS “dream” job living on minimum wage in a cabin for three years? Maybe it’s because you left my mom for another woman while she was raising me as a single mom and you were out living your dream?
Maybe it’s because you called once a month, if that? Maybe it’s because you haven’t paid a single cent of child support? Or maybe it’s because my dad stepped up to raise me? I know you f-ing hate my dad, Ted. He’s a better man than you are and my mom and I are so lucky to have him. He’s my real dad. And it’s not just because he adopted me after you signed your rights away.
It’s because he was the dad I needed even when Mom and him weren’t dating. I want you to know that I wanted him to be my dad since I was four-years-old. Or maybe it’s because Mom and I have the picture perfect family that you wanted with your wife that you hate because she’s infertile and isn’t 21 anymore?
A mom, a dad, a son, and a daughter, happily living together as a family? You had me and Mom and you left us for a higher calling and are mad that we didn’t come crawling to you. You were never part of my family Ted. My accomplishments aren’t yours to claim. You did nothing to earn this graduation. We graduated at the top 5% of our class because Mom tutored us.
We got into good colleges because Dad took us to our clubs and games and meetings and tournaments and everything you called “frou-frou” nonsense. He was our mentor for robotics. Did you know that? No, because you don’t care what I like. It’s us, by the way. Because I have a sister that you try to ignore.
Because it was okay for you, a 30-year-old man, to abandon his wife and child, but it’s unacceptable that a teenage boy stepped up to raise his daughter as a single dad. I don’t know how you think the way you do. I don’t want to know. I’m not your son.
The comments came rushing in.
u/Resident-Net-283 wrote:
Hope you realize you’re a sperm donor and nothing more. Please leave your “son” alone, he deserves so much better than your harassment.
OP, could you get back payment for child support? That may be the only thing that Ted could be useful for.
OP responded:
I don't like to use the word sperm donor because sperm donors are actually helping people have children. They're doing a good thing. Ted's a waste of space. I don't know for sure but I think because my dad adopted me Ted doesn't owe child support to my mom anymore.
ShodoDeka wrote:
Good for you!
Don’t know if it’s against the rules to post a link but I would love to see that AITA post.
OP responded:
Don’t know either but the title is: AITA for telling my ex-wife and her husband to stop being inappropriate at our son’s graduation party? It’s infuriating and funny at the same time.
hannahsangels wrote:
I remember seeing that AITA post and everyone was like yeah YTA he sounded like an idiot.
OP responded:
I’m glad more people called him out on his BS. F-ing ruined our grad party.
mikuzgrl wrote:
He made a complete AH out of himself and got dragged in the comments. OP, it sounds like your parents and your extended family love you and have your back. Don’t give this yahoo anymore thought. He’s just bitter because he made a bad choice years ago and then continued to make bad choices. Keep living your best life. Congratulations on your graduation.
OP responded:
Yeah, I’m very lucky to have an awesome family! Unfortunately, we’ve gone no contact with Ted’s family because they’re pushing us to forgive him again, even my cousins. I’m tired of the cycle of him doing something awful, his family being mad at him for a few minutes, and then them pushing us to forgive him this time. Thanks dude!!! Can’t wait for college.
Sources: Reddit