"Someone found a hole in the nudist colony fence. Police are looking into it."
Let's take a collective break from...*gestures around*...everything going on. So I invite you just to hit pause on the doomscrolling, hang with me for a little while, and read some jokes. And if you have your own you want to share, feel free to leave a comment below!
These jokes are coming from a Reddit thread started by user u/18vmjzz as well as the jokes left by the BuzzFeed Community here.
1. "What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Phillope."
NBC
2. "What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing."
3. "A police officer pulls over a semi truck. He gets the usual license and registration but hears strange noises from the trailer, so he decides to investigate. Inside, he finds 50 penguins. 'Sir, why do you have 50 penguins in your truck?' the officer asks the driver. 'Well, they’re my friends, and we like to go on journeys together in my truck,' the man replies. 'I’m sorry sir, but you can’t just own 50 penguins. I’m afraid you’re going to have to take them to the zoo...'"
"The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same cop pulls the truck over again, and once again hears strange noises in the trailer. He goes to check and finds the same 50 penguins. 'I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday!' The cop angrily tells the driver. 'I did take them to the zoo! They loved it! Today we’re going to the beach.'"
4. "My penis used to be in the Guinness Book of World Records, but then the librarian asked me to take it out and leave the building."
NBC
5. "I don't always tell dad jokes, but when I do he laughs."
6. "A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers ✌️ and says 'five beers, please.'"
CBS
7. "What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin."
8. "My friend got me an elephant for my room. I said, 'Thanks,' and she said, 'Don’t mention it.'"
9. "A group of nuns is painting their convent on a hot summer day. Mother Superior tells them to hurry up and finish because the blind man is coming. The nuns get so hot from working in the heat that one suggests they take their tops off to cool down. Another says, 'OK, I guess it’s just a blind man that’s coming.' The blind man arrives and says, 'Nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?'"
10. "How do you make holy water? Easy. Just boil the hell out of it."
11. "A duck walks into a pharmacy and walks up to the counter. 'I’d like some Chapstick,' he tells the pharmacist. 'How are you going to pay for that?' the pharmacist asks. The duck replies 'Just put it on my bill.'"
12. "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, 'Dad, can't you just use a sponge?'"
NBC
13. "The chicken and the egg are in bed. The chicken rolls over and lights a cigarette, and the egg says, 'Well, I guess that answers that question.'"
14. "Why can't you trust atoms? They make up everything."
CBS
15. "How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to want to change."
16. "Did you hear about the pirate that bought himself a pair of earrings for $2? That’s not bad for a buccaneer!"
17. "A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O.'"
ABC
18. "A termite walks into a bar and asks, 'Is the bar tender here?'"
19. "Someone found a hole in the nudist colony fence. Police are looking into it."
20. "And the Lord said unto John, 'Come forth and receive eternal life,' but John came fifth and got a toaster."
NBC
21. "Yesterday I couldn’t figure out whether someone was waving at me or the person behind me. In other news, I lost my lifeguard job."
22. "What do rich people say when they tickle babies? Gucci, gucci, gucci, gucci."
23. "What's the difference between an old public transit stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus-station, and the other is a busty crustacean."
NBC
24. "Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'"
25. "Why couldn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie? Because he was too far out, man."
26. "A guy walks into a doctor's office butt naked but wrapped head to toe in cellophane. The doctor takes one look at him and says, 'Well, I can clearly see your nuts.'"
NBC
27. "What did the grape say when it was stepped on? Nothing. It just let out a little...wine."
"Ba dum tss. 🥁"
28. "Who was the roundest knight in King Arthur's court? Sir Cumference."
29. "Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, 'Damn, it's getting hot in here.' The other muffin exclaims, 'Holy shit, a talking muffin!'"
30. "It’s never safe to drop wordplay around a kleptomaniac, because they’re always taking things literally."
NBC
31. "Did you hear about the worst zoo in the world; it only had one dog in it. It was a Shitzu."
32. "A snake walks into a bar and the bartender asks, 'How?'"
And finally...
33. "A dyslexic atheist lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog."
Warner Bros.