Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

I have been divorced for 8 years. I have an 11 and an 8 year old. My dating life has been very limited and although I have introduced my kids to past partners, they’ve had very limited exposure to them, and exclusively in a social environment. It’s been at least a couple of years since any introductions though..

I have now been dating someone since early spring, and the boys are aware since they may see me take calls (rarely though), reply to texts (more often than calls) and they see it’s the same person I chat with back and forth.

I have talked it through with my youngest one, we are open about it and he is welcoming of the situation. My 11 year old, well, that is another situation. Strong resistance, emotional reactions—he has asked me to never ever date, asked me to delete the guy’s contact and block him and also every other man, asked me to forget I have feelings, etc.

These asks come in the context of us trying to have conversations about his needs and my needs and everyone’s needs for connection, or bouncing ideas on how to deal with the fact that I “have a crush” on a guy and I would like to go on dates with him.

Yes, I don’t talk much to my children about my dating life since I believe in stability. But now my strategy seems to be backfiring with my oldest one. How can we both (my child and I) navigate this situation successfully?

—Dating life

Dear Dating Life,

First, let me commend you on how you have already been handling dating as a divorced person. And let me commend you on dating while divorced, especially with two young children! It is so hard to make time to develop your own romantic life when you are parenting solo, and when you could pour every ounce of your attention into your kids. You are taking things slow, you aren’t bombarding your sons with new people who later disappear, you are putting their feelings first. That’s great!

But…. your 11 year old is resistant. Let me first say: do not stop dating because of this. Your son may not understand this, but the best thing you can do for him is have a boyfriend. First, it will make you happy (or, at least I hope so!). And you feeling good about your personal life will have a halo effect in your home. Second, it will help ensure you and your son don’t develop a codependent bond that gets harder to break as he gets older. He’s asking you to give up a relationship with a potential partner because it scares him that some of your attention will be directed elsewhere. But in fact, that’s the best possible thing for him.

My suggestion would be to find a therapist for your son. He’s in a transitional moment—middle school and the teenage years are tough enough—and an outside perspective could really help both of you navigate this. When I got serious with my now husband, I found a therapist who took our insurance so she could vent or express herself to someone when she needed to. (Hilariously, it was ME who needed support in the transition, because I was so worried about my daughter—but she was actually fine.) You can also assure your son that you having a relationship doesn’t take away from him and say all the things I’m sure you already are.

But my main advice is: Don’t waiver. It is so important for you to have a bond outside of that with your kids. It can be hard not to bow to the demands of our children, especially when we’re divorced. It can feel easier to put our own needs and desires low on the priorities list. Your son may not be so happy about your dating right now, but he will get used to it. And when he’s older, he’ll be glad you found happiness. A therapist or counselor now might help him get there faster.

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Dear Care and Feeding, 

Let’s start with I have four parents. This is because I live in a split family. And because of that I am constantly surrounded by arguing. The most recent and consistent argument is about my devices. As in, what privileges I have on them and where they go.

Ever since the start of high school I have been catching the bus at my mum’s. This was mum’s reason to get me a phone—but my dad doesn’t want me to have a phone. He thinks that even as a 13 year old I am too young to have one. This part of the argument led to: on my Mum’s time I have my phone and when I’m at my Dad’s I leave it in my locker at school.

For high school I also had to get a laptop. My step-dad is the tech guru in the family so he set up the laptop. Again my dad didn’t like this and tried to get it wiped but came to a problem when he didn’t have any of the passwords. So he went to my step-dad and asked for the passwords, but my step-dad refused because he was worried that my dad would break the software. My dad didn’t like this so he also refused to have the laptop in his house, making me leave it in my locker.

I mean yes it’s frustrating but it’s what I’ve been doing for nearly two years now, so I’m used to it. The most annoying thing is I have to use my iPad at my dad’s for a phone, ipad, and laptop. It’s also stupid because my dad doesn’t like me using my phone at school, yet he emails me on my laptop when I am at my mums.

I’m not sure if I should talk to my parents about this because I feel like it might break our relationships. Also I don’t want to look bratty by demanding more. But what can I do here?

—Tech Teen

Dear Tech Teen,

Oof. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say all this fighting isn’t about devices,  it’s about your mum and your dad, and who has control. I do respect parents with strict screetime rules (even though I am very much not one of them). But given that you have access to an iPad at your dad’s, his rules about the phone and the laptop seem arbitrary and punitive.

If you want something to change, you have to talk to your parents. Your step-dad sounds like a helpful guy; any chance you could talk to him separately to enlist some help navigating the situation with your mum and dad? Either way, I promise that you won’t ‘break’ your relationships with them by talking to them about the issue. I suggest writing out exactly what you want to say, highlighting that all this device management is having a negative effect on you, and making clear what you need access to for school and for your social life. You can also ask your dad about his specific concerns with your access to devices; maybe there is some way to put him at ease or make an accommodation. (Does he hate TikTok? Maybe you can give it up.)

Divorced parents often have different rules at different homes (my ex-husband is a lot more lax about the state of our daughter’s room than I am). But they shouldn’t inconvenience or upset the kids. Your parents need to step up and work this out. It may require some compromise, but that will be better than this headache.

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 7—about to be 8 year old—son has started to act up in his after -school-program. He has been going to the care center since we moved five months ago, including during working-hours over the summer break. For a while, there weren’t any problems.

Recently, though, he refuses to listen to the counselors there and has been seriously acting out of line. His change in behavior will get him kicked-out of the club—it’s upsetting and inappropriate—and he just won’t tell us any reason for why he’s acting like this. It is definitely non-typical behavior from him. He is generally really outgoing and friendly.

Do you believe this can be attributed to relocating our home, a bully at the club that is bothering him, or possibly just over-stimulation causing defiance? We’re not sure what road to go down, but we know this needs to be addressed and dealt with.  Do you have any advice on how to handle behavior changes?

—Old Town Troubles

Dear Old Town,

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Your son could be acting out for any number of reasons, but in my experience, transitions of any kind at that age are challenging. It may have taken a beat for your move to catch up with him, or maybe there was a change at the care center. Maybe he is struggling with going from a full school day to an after-school program. Who knows? One thing I can all but promise is: your 7 year-old probably doesn’t know why he’s acting like that either, so asking him probably isn’t going to yield much that is helpful.

I am curious about what ‘acting seriously out of line’ means, and how experienced the counselors are at this program. Is he biting other kids? Is he just being rude? Is he being disruptive? If you haven’t already, I would ask for a meeting with whoever is running this program to get as much information as you can. Is there a counselor that your son especially likes, and could that person offer him some extra support and attention for a bit, until things calm down? Does he have a buddy in the after-school program? Explore your options. And if there aren’t any, or things don’t improve, perhaps you could talk to the school’s guidance counselor (if they have one) or his school-day teacher. You could always look into therapy, too–but I think you have some other avenues to exhaust before you get there.

—Hillary

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